Crunch Time

There is a cautionary saying about feuding with those who write newspapers, warning people to "never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel."  Similarly, it is not wise to slight UGBC presidential and vice-presidential who have access to a kid with a blog, a mind full of vindictive burns, and nothing particularly better to do.  After having a day to talk over the debates yesterday with others in attendance, I have decided I'm not so happy with the way half of the teams behaved themselves.  I won't name names, but as a hint let's just say I'm calling out the ones whose names start with R and end with -eilly/Kaz.  

Al and ALEX (the caps here emphasize that his name is not in fact also Al. Yeah, take that, other team) are far too professional to respond to the absurd digs that the other team chose to take yesterday on everything from their grammar to dedicated campaigners, but fortunately I lack their high ethic and do not intend to represent the school, and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.  The last line may or may not have come from Gladiator, but thank you for indulging me in allowing me to use that line once before I die.  On a more serious note, though, if we can take anything from the other night it is that Al and Alex have proved themselves more capable than ever in the face of their also-rans.  Taking off the red G-hat and brushing your hair does not mean that you take the process or job any more seriously, and the other have demonstrated through two debates of dismissive comments and evaded answers turned into jokes that they are simply not ready for this job.

The good news, boys and girls, is that this story can have a very happy ending.  Keep doing strong work for two more days during the voting and we will reap the reward of a wonderful president and vice-president who take us and the office seriously, and who have not made the cardinal jinx error of announcing that their cabinet is already chosen.

Do work, Red Army

FINAL DEBATE LIVE BLOG

As a quick note, please excuse the all caps feature now in play with the titles.  I experimented with it last time and its amazing, it feels like I'm yelling at you while you read.  I know its obnoxious, but its like a forbidden fruit that I've tasted and now can't take back.

All that aside (cue "Pump Up the Jam" from the critically acclaimed compilation album Jock Jams), welcome to the final debate.  The live coverage is back by popular demand, with popular in this case taken to mean the approval of one out of the two people who read this.  This time I arrived on time and got a great seat, but an unfortunate power chord location has chained me to the wall by my lonesome making me look like the weird guy again, but none of this matters.  With people finally starting to sit down, it looks like it might be time to go.  Al went really daring with the salmon shirt choice, I like it.  Fortune favors the bold, said someone. Also, where is Kaz's hat?

7:40- Josh Darr has stepped up to the plate, its time to start.  Notes on the format, I lost focus but I'm sure its all been well-planned.

7:42- Kaz is laying down his game, but the mic is far from his mouth and this guy can't hear.

7:43- Al gives his gameplan for fixing the world. Its all very wonderful.  Why do they have to hold the mics, it looks like the two candidates are about to do a duo to a Michael Bolton ballad.

7:46- We're talking about the Sexual Health Referendum.  I'm clearly in the hole for the Al's, but I commend Reilly for a well played line, "You can still buy condoms at CampCo"...zinger!  Al's response lacked the zinger, but might have tackled the issue better.

7:50- Let's talk about restructuring UGBC.  The Al's say its not as important as relationships. No punch line here, I just agree.

7:51- Lots of discussion about the BC experience.  I wonder what the experience is.  Did you have to sign up at orientation? Do you get a t-shirt?

7:54- Mr. Denice got to ask a question, following the obligatory round of applause (I'm kidding, I clap because I love).  Reilly answered his question about numbers of votes by talking about everything but numbers of votes, while Alex took a slightly less wacky but infinitely more relevant approach to his answer.

7:58- Both teams dealt fairly predictably with the GLC question.  Why can't we have a bizarro third party candidate who hates everything? That would spice this up for sure.

8:00- ALC just came out with guns a-blazin'.  They want two (2) direct issues the candidates are working on.  Reilly named about half of one, while Al had to narrow down his answer to only two.  Both of his answers were absurdly detailed.  Look up policy wonk in a dictionary and find that handsome salmon-shirted retention basin of UGBC projects.

8:05- Someone finally asked about changing the government.  Why? "Why not" says Reilly, which may not reach the pinnacle of analytical reasoning, but what do I know.

8:10- Reilly wants to know why the Al's don't let all students into UGBC. The Als do want the help of any who are interested, but that seems to not be enough.  I think Reilly imagines replacing general meetings with a battle royale between all 9,000 BC students. Whoever emerges gets to plan modstock whether they want it or not.

8:15- There was a question about giving ALC and GLC the "runaround." I didn't know Blues Traveller was in the audience tonight (and that easily wins the award for obscure reference of the evening. Wikipedia it, you know the song). As a side note, the Als answered the question, once again, with much more poise and sobriety.  While not always as entertaining, I tend to prefer at least a tone of seriousness amongst the executives.

8:20- Any conversations about the Matrix make me excited, then I realize we're talking about RA's and meetings and me paying $200 instead of the movie.  The Als have a practical series of ideas to help fix the broken policy.  I would like to contribute my plan of changing the name to avoid the confusion amongst nerds like me.

8:26- Closing statements got a little ridiculous.  The final cheap shots from the less respectful team seemed to come out of nowhere, but I was still a little offended that Al and Alex didn't flip over a table and demand mortal kombat (not a spelling error).  They predictably took the high road, though, and stayed as classy as ever.  Way to be, gentlemen.

Only a few more days.  Keep fighting, Red Army

"Hasta la Victoria Siempre"

-look it up, duh.

VOTE OR DIE

Vote or Die had to be one of the greatest ad campaigns of all time.  I never really understood what they were supporting.  All I knew was that it was hip hop and cool and MTV and Jay-Z and t-shirts and commercials and Carson Daly supported on TRL (rest in peace).  Incidentally, almost no young people voted that year, so I say lets try a little harder.  Hopefully everyone you talked to voted for Al and Alex and this time tomorrow we are dealing with great news, but if not I welcome you all to my shadow government with offices to be based out of my double in 66.  Of course I'm only kidding, and I want to seriously congratulate everyone for the noticeable presence in the quad today which clearly makes a difference. Well done, boys and girls.

Now that thats out of the way, lets talk Jörg.  Were you there to see him do his pastry magic with the rest of the Red Team? If not, I don't know if I can fully do this guy justice. He was unbelievable/crazy /inappropriate/hilarious/talented/Swiss.  I couldn't understand most of his demonstration because every third thing he said was about "toopsy tails" (the spelling on that is open for debate).  This might be one of those had to be there situations, but let me paint you a picture of an imposing Swiss biker-pastry chef who at various points in the night was using a blowtorch for "da budda cream" and making thong cookies for valentines day. Not normal.  When it came time to ice his bunny cookies, his insisted on adding the "toopsy tail" so we would know it was a rabbit.  Do rabbits have "toopsy tails" in Switzerland?  Do rabbits anywhere have "toopsy tails?"  Was chef Jörg drunk?  I sure don't have the answer to any of these mysteries of life, but I hope you now have something to ponder.  

Well done, red army.  We finished the week strong and now everyone knows we're all business.

The one where it talks about Will Smith

Yep, the format of that title is a Friends reference, and if you didn't already know that you should seriously get with the program; No one is too cool for Friends.  I want to start this post with a quote from a song that has recently taken on significant new meaning in my life, as I'm sure it will come to inspire you: 

"Tryin' to bring down me, this champion

When y'all clowns gon' see that it can't be done

Understand me son, I'm the slickest they is,

I'm the quickest as they is, did I say I'm the slickest they is

So if you barking up the wrong tree we comin, don't be startin' nothin'

...

Can't stand the heat then get out the Wild Wild West"

Ponder these lines, and let them empower you to a new level of campaigning greatness.  Will Smith is a visionary in his own time, and his command of the language is rivaled only by his ability to induce a fighting spirit.  I hope for your own cultural relevance you've seen the film from whence this song came.  Imagine that as a campaigner you are Jim West, and at the end of the day the campaign will only be won if we can beat the giant spider... the metaphor gets a little hairy here, so I guess just listen to the song and keep kicking it strong.  Anyway, I wasn't around for the dorm walks tonight, but I'm sure they went well as always.  I'm also sure they produced the standard level of frustration, but don't let up now, red army.  With only a few days to go until the first round of elections, its time to show those other campaigns they've been "barking up the wrong tree."   As a final note, I know you're all busy folks, but I can't recommend strongly typing Wild Wild West into the computer pages and taking a fresh look at it as art.  Learn it. Love it. Become it.

Mondays are Fundays!

False.  Mondays are generally where laughter and joy go to die, but today something was different.  Maybe it was the weather, only uncomfortable in place of lose-my-fingers-to-frostbite levels.  Maybe it was the hilarious run-ins with three awkward groups of touring high school visitors (remember: Doug Flutie Likes Girls) that made me feel so lucky not to be them.  But of course, what really made the day was clearly another impressive showing by the Al-Alex campaigners.  

Changing it up by staking out the O'Neil Staircase was neato.  The Red Army made a good showing and did a good job reppin' the campaign.  I can't give you an exact count, but I would estimate conservatively that 300 campaigners packed those stairs.  The dorm walkers are doing work, as American poet Big Black has been known to say.  Sure, the freshmen aren't always happy to see the campaigners, but knocking on doors on lower is a different beast.  Most of the time any response at all is nice (especially when the tv is on and those phantom voices disappear after the knock), but like that stupid inspirational poster in the Plex says, "in the struggle between the river and the mountain..." Nope, I don't remember the rest. Regardless, be the river, and keep on doing what you do, red team.  

Seacrest out (I live for the day this will become a formal notice of departure)

Debate Live Blog

So its been a couple (four) days since the last entry. I'm sorry, but to make it up I am going to do something really fancy.  I really just stole it from CNN, but I'm going to sit in the back of the debate and try to capture what's happening as it happens.  Good luck, me.

4:08-  It started. At least, I heard that this is when it started. I was late, but only missed the boring teams' intros.

4:15- Al and Alex threw down with a good opening.  Very articulate.  I like the corresponding outfits as well.  The ties are a hit.

4:19- The Heights wants to know what the candidates see as the biggest problem at BC.  I would have said the chronic smell around the fro-yo machine in lower, but clearly the Als have identified some slightly bigger issues.  Don't worry, they've got plans for a-fixin' em.

4:24- Ale(jandro, duh) wants to hear some credentials from the candidates.  Lots of name dropping here about CSOM things I don't understand, mostly because I'm so fixated on Kaz's great hat. The Als want to write a blog.  Maybe they'll update theirs more than I do.

4:28- I spilled coffee, mostly in the lap region.  It looks really handsome.

4:30- Throwdown time.  The candidates asked each other questions, but I was a little disappointed at the lack of yo mama jokes and profanities.  

4:32- Someone finally asked Riley what his new government will be.  I am sort of bummed with his answer, because I definitely was hoping for something wacky and fun like CCCP style communism.

4:37- We're talking 'bout the Matrix.  Clearly the matrix sucks, but it is easily the best named policy at BC.  None of the candidates like the Matrix.

4:40- Al wants to work to establish more satellite printing.  I think thats a great idea, but its not totally practical to be printing in space (thats an awful joke, you have permission to throw snow at me if you see me around).

4:50- I won't lie to you, for the last ten minutes I was on the 'book untagging photos (I am now friends with my mom, which is a huge fail) and I don't really know what they were talking about.  I'm sure the Als said something intelligent.

4:52- Debating how to make UGBC more open.  This seemed really important to all three groups as evidenced by extra hand gestures in the responses, but once again the Als gave a great response. 

4:55-  How do we improve athletics?  I say give Matty Ice plastic surgery and re-enroll him for five more years, but the Als had slightly more practical advice.  Their commitment to improving tradition is good stuff. 

5:02- The moderator asked why the presidential candidates picked their VP's.  It started pretty normal, then I got uncomfortable.  By the end I thought there might be tears and hugs.  Lots of bromance going on down there.

We're done.  I hope this was informative (even though it wasn't).  My pants are still wet, and when I stand up everyone will see, but it was well worth it to come hear Al and Alex talk some game.  They have some great stuff going on, so keep on trucking, campaigners.

Day 1: Gametime

This will be a blog about life.  Life, of course, has several aspects.  To keep things simple, this will be a blog about campaigning life.  Alexander and Alexander (to be referred to in the future as Al and Alex) would like your vote for president and vice-president of UGBC.  These fellows would love to keep detailed minutes of their every move to be posted here, but unfortunately there are only so many hours in a day.  The pair are so committed to spreading their campaign message to BC that already food and sleep have been replaced with the recharge station from Robocop.  Nevertheless, the blog will go on with updates from a campaigners point of view.  It will absolutely be ridiculous and full of useless anecdotes, but hopefully somehow these stories will tell the tale of just how dedicated these candidates and their campaigners are to seeing a better BC.

Today was day one of the campaign.  Following a midnight kickoff and banner hanging marathon, BC awoke to expertly hung red banners and a sea of red shirts.  If you didn't see the sea of red shirts, you just weren't looking hard enough.  Try harder.  In other news, these red shirts gathered for lunch and dinner at lower.  Much praise to BC dining for the great table cloths and glitter confetti that got in my soul food.  These meals will be repeated throughout the campaign, so please stop when you see red (see what I've done there, where the shirts symbolize a red light?) and share a completely non-awkward dinner with the candidates to find out more about how they want to help you.  They're very excited to talk about their platform, and its not well known but one of them is quite a magic aficionado and will show you a trick if you're very lucky.

Good night, and good luck (yes, Ed Murrow used to say this, but he got it from me)